I weigh 249 pounds right now. I have been overweight most of my life. When I was younger, I was so overweight that I missed weigh ins for my Pop Warner football games (when I was like 8 years old) and could not play.
Then in high school I managed to lose 40 pounds and go from 200 pounds to 160 because I used weed as a coping mechanism for sadness, being lonely, being an outcast, feeling empty and being unhappy a lot. But that was 2015 – 2018.
Since COVID, weed hasn’t been the same for me. Instead of giving me pleasure, relaxation, and being able to be my psychological vice (instead of food), it has barely even worked. And when it has, it’ll be too strong and i’ll go into psychosis. I’d get so high i’d literally be stuck. Legit just sitting in my chair and paralyzed and seemingly hearing my neighbors talking about/ to me or my family saying stuff and i’d be so scared I didn’t wanna move.
I’ve never been good at losing weight the long term, hard way. Where you basically change your food identity. My food identity these past years has been that I don’t care much about it and my body enough to change for good. So i’d basically just hover around a really high weight and flip flop, as long as I could eat fast food at least twice a week to cope with immense sadness in life.
Basically how it’d work is i’d be at like 265 pounds and eat like $25 (2500 calories worth of fast food in one sitting). And it made me so happy and excited when I did it. So at 265 pounds, i’d eat fast food and other shit and then go up to like 268. Then i’d starve myself and skip meals to go down to 265 pounds so I could eat fast food again. And i’d keep doing this flip flopping and never lose weight for good just cause I could eat fast food.
Why am I so obsessed with fast food? Well, my ‘reward’ or reason to live or excitement for the future really is never just plain life events. Like hanging with friends or family or doing sports or playing video games. It’s just never been that.
I don’t play video games anymore. I don’t like most movies of tv shows that I watch with family. My only friend smokes cigarettes and weed and drinks alcohol whenever we hang out. I don’t smoke cigarettes or weed or vape so I don’t like talking with my friend who does that. I don’t know why, just whenever we hang out, I have nothing to talk about and am just bored and sad the whole time.
The only thing that really gives me a lot pleasure and excitement that isn’t a drug or is ‘bad’ for you (fast food, nicotine, weed, alcohol, porn, oversleeping) is listening to music and watching movies/ tv shows i’ve seen so many times. Or watching league of legends on Twitch.tv while veging out listening to music at the same time.
I still oversleep. On days I don’t it’s usually where I have a doctor/therapy appointment which even then I have to force myself to wake up for. On days I have no plans, I listen to my body and mind (i’m sad most of the time) and just sleep. And then I sleep till 4pm or even 8pm at worse and feel like shit, even though my mind and body are always telling me to just sleep most of my life?
Currently i’m working on a solution to that where I go to bed as early as possible. Say like 11pm or 12am instead of 1:30am – 3am. That way even if I ‘listen to my mind and body’ and sleep however long it wants me to (12 – 14 hours), I will still not wake up too late.. Maybe until like 2pm latest. Ideally, I want to wake up as early as possible everyday by finding things I want to wake up for consistently (i’m unemployed).
Disclaimer: In no way am I expressing that I am ungrateful with life. I know there are cases of many people who would kill to be unemployed. And that they have no free insurance, no food stamps, no disability, no unemployment, and they must work 5 – 7 days a week to support themselves and that they have no other choice but to work.
I am grateful for my life. Technically I live at my Dad’s house rent free and he accepts the food stamps I get for free each month as rent. Plus I get disability money each month, and have three ‘free’ insurances– Medicare, Medicaid, and Aetna. I am tremendously grateful for all that. I’m just saying that, I know it sounds crazy and spoiled, but even though I live rent free and don’t have to work, i’ve been living this way for years now and not having a job has turned into extreme boredom and not having a reason to wake up. Which turns into worse depression, having no purpose and a way to ‘stay busy’, rumination in bed, oversleeping, and basically feeling that after every day, I didn’t accomplish anything productive.
I firmly believe that even though many people hate working, atleast at the end of the day they can say they did the most productive thing possible: worked a job (something that is hard and most don’t want to) and they made money (the ultimate reward in life, in my opinion).
It’s just my life is such a double edged sword. I am on disability for schizoaffective disorder and being in public and working a job is near impossible. After an hour or so I cannot take the paranoia and voices I seemingly hear from people around me. My performance is also slow, and I dislike most jobs so my bosses usually end up firing me for poor performance and because I always look extremely upset and sad at work, which doesn’t help me staying employed there.
So again, I sleep most of the day because nothing ‘excites’ me to wake up. I cannot tell if having a job that i’d be grateful that it ‘forces’ me to wake up, even if I don’t want to, because at the end of the day i’d be appreciative that it forced me to wake up instead of sleeping all day. I can’t tell if that’d work long term and i’d appreciate the discipline it’d give me to wake up early everyday or i’d just get sick of it and quit or get fired.
Anyways, back to my point. Virtually ALL of my reward and excitement for the future (which is the biggest basis of my life really) is gone. I strongly believe your thoughts determine your mental state. Everyday my thoughts consist of: I don’t want to wake up. I have nothing to wake up for. I have nothing to be excited for. I am tired. I don’t want to wake up just to go on my computer and masturbate. That’s sad. I don’t want to go on a boring walk just to get excercise. I want a way to make money on my computer that can be hard, but guaranteed, and I only have to put in 2 – 3 hours of it a day. I miss the money I used to have that gave me mental freedom and happiness and didn’t cause my chronic headache, cough, and forced me to live with my family the last six years and have a bad time.
So again, my biggest happiness these days is based on looking forward to the future and thinking about what I have in life.
Before that was: having major savings, looking forward to vaping nicotine and weed, smoking weed, eating ‘unhealthy’ / fast food, masturbating, drinking a shit ton of coffee, sleeping a lot occasionally and occasionally drinking alcohol.
Now, all I technically have is sleeping and masturbating.
Since I now do boxing and me and others are noticing if I lose weight. I basically can’t eat fast food or really any bad foods. I am constantly under pressure to lose weight.
I ‘technically’ now can’t eat fast foods, bread and carbs, soda, etc. So ideally I must only eat meats and vegetables.
I don’t smoke/vape weed anymore because of the $$ it costs and the psychosis and how it made me lazy.
I can’t vape nicotine because of the $$ it costs, the problems on my lungs, the anxiety it gave me, and the dependence and major addiction I had.
I can’t oversleep too much because I end up waking up having wasted the whole day and disappointing my family and not being productive during the day.
I am told my family and self help people that porn and masturbation is bad for you. That it is cheap dopamine, and if you do it habitually, you will essentially stop wanting to do ‘hard, long term’ things because you are used to the easy rush of ejaculating.
I can’t drink coffee because it fucks with my stomach, makes my schizoaffective hallucinations worse, makes me anxious and wired, and prevents me from calming down and sleeping.
I can’t even use the meds my psychiatrist gives me because they literally don’t work. Seriously, i’ve tried Xanax, Valium, Klonopin, Ativan and Hydroyzine. None work or calm me down, and i’ve taken a shit ton.
On top of that, the main medication I take for my schizoaffective disorder is called Clozapine. I firmly believe it makes me tired all the time. I wouldn’t mind that if I could sleep all day without being scorned by my family for sleeping too much. They expect me to be productive everyday while I literally have this medication holding me back all day everyday, making me tired and working against letting me be productive to please my family.
I can’t drink alcohol because I hate the taste and it has no effect on me besides kind of making me tired? Why would I want that if I sleep enough as it is? Plus, my Mom and Dad are alcoholics so I’m trying to stay away.
I have tried quitting porn and masturbation for a month. I ended up with insomnia and having legit no reason to wake up.
So anyways. What’s the point of this post? My point is that I have learned from society and people and family that I must cut out most of the shit that motivated me. The only thing I have left that is ‘okay’ sometimes is fast food and eating badly sometimes.
But it’s a constant battle. Not having food or masturbation makes me constantly wonder why I should try hard in life and try to excel. I wonder how other famous succesful people motivated themselves, or if they even need to use substances or activities like oversleeping and masturbating in order for them to excel and be succesful.
Anyways, that’s my rant. Goodnight.
-Viper
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