My first visit to the psych ward was the end of 2021. What had happened was I moved into my parents house again at the start of COVID. During COVID, everyone was forced to stay home and so my family was on top of eachother. My parents had to do a lot of hanging out together. You see, when I was a child until like 14, my parents were heavy alcoholics and drug addicts. To this day, my day would say that he never actually got along with my mom and had things in common. He’d say that they were only together because they both used alcohol and drugs together.
So fast forward to when I was 14 (2014), they started taking getting sober seroiusly. I believe they both went to rehab and cut back on drugs and alcohol a lot. A little backstory, my Dad used to smoke weed, drink alcohol, do cocaine, and do heroin. He was kicked out of his parent’s house at 19 because he refused to go to college. He then ( I believe ) got a cheap apartment and was able to power through horrible work shifts at horrible jobs because he’d self medicate with cocaine and alcohol. He used to stay up all night and still make it to work suprisngly. DIfferent times though.
My Mom’s parents both died when she was young, around like 8 – 12 years old. Then, her half sister took care of her. Her half sister was a lesbian and turned the house into a trap house. She had drug addicts and other lower class people over all the time, who’d constantly do drugs and drink as well. So my Mom had a very hard upbringing which makes me realize how much her personality makes sense today. These days, my Mom will still occasionally drink a lot and get wasted on really bad days. So does my Dad. But my Mom is extremely neurotic and all over the place. My Dad and sister both agree she’s extremely selfish and doesn’t know how to take care of herself. Looking back at how her parents were gone most of her childhood ( and couldn’t take care of her ), it makes sense why she has trouble taking care of herself. But, she shows a lot of love and understanding to me and I am extremely grateful and love her so much.
My Dad had a bad childhood as well. He immigrated to New York from Kazakhstan when he was 8. He got bullied a lot and beat up all the time. He started drinking and smoking from a young age. His parents were really hard on him. My Dad frequently has told me how he was fat as a kid, and his Dad (my grandpa) would call him a fat slob all the time. His Dad would also make him play the piano instead of going out and playing with other kids outside.
On top of that, they’re major control freaks (as many russians and members of the former Soviet Union) are. My Grandma will literally start freaking out and crying and yelling if there is something as crazy as a car she doesn’t recognize in front of our house. Or if I park our car in front of the house too, she will catastrophize that our neighbors will complain about it. Oh yeah, and one time when my parents were supposed to go on a vacation, a few days before, she faked that she was having a heart attack and dying so they’d cancel the trip. Other little shit is that if me or my brother are not up and about and doing stuff, she’ll freak out and bang on our doors asking if we died or something. So yeah, a control freak who I often don’t vibe with in a positive way, but I guess a little caring underneath?
But yeah, I was gonna say how both my Dad’s parents are control freaks and treated him badly growing up. He was an only child too. Plus they’re all bulimic. You heard that right. Bulimic in this day and age? Well, I mean it technically started in the 50s. My Dad’s Dad is bulimic, and my Dad’s Dad’s sister is bulimic. And my Dad’s Mom is obsessed with being skinny, and all my relatives are obsessed with weight loss too.
So yeah, my Dad throws up all the time, and his Dad does too. My Dad’s Mom uses chinese dieting tea so she always uses the bathroom a lot and never gains weight. At family dinners, the first thing my relatives comment on it is if we lost weight and are skinny.
This really gets to me because food is literally the only pleasure I have left. I don’t use caffeine, nicotine, weed, play video games and I am cutting back on masturbation. So, knowing that my entire family has a pathological relationship with food makes me extremely uncomfortable to eat in general around them. And this isn’t like a drug where the withdrawal ‘goes away’. No. This is food. You don’t eat for three or four hours and you start feeling weak, dizzy, hot, and sad.
Anyways, that was a little backstory. So yeah, this is the end of 2021. My Mom had just cheated on my Dad for a year so she moved out with the help of my Dad giving her severance money. My Mom was the biggest one who ‘got’ me. We used to joke around how my Dad and his side were crazy Russian control freaks. My sister was also on my side about this stuff, but she moved out a little before as well. She also found it fucked up how my Dad and his family always commented on our weights, and how my Dad would be so judgmental and wasn’t a great parent in our childhood due to drugs.
So, at this point, my Dad had this crazy girlfriend at the time who he let move in a few months before. My sister also found it crazy how my Dad let her move in so quickly and she made an argument about it at a dinner a while before, but before things got worse, she just drove back to her apartment. I was so jealous that she could do that. If I express an opinion like that (such as that I dislike my Dad’s girlfriend — now wife ), it would result in a debate that goes nowhere. Except, I can’t drive away like my sister can. I have to resort to cooling down in my room in silence and have to work myself up to apologize because I have no other choice. My Dad and his girlfriend ‘run the house’ so they can always win arguments and come out on top feeling okay. If I argue, I end up having to walk on eggshells and be scared and forced to let them win. I can’t just drive somewhere else for good.
So yeah. It was one paranoid night. My brother was at work. My Mom moved out. My sister moved out. All there was was this big russian and italian corrupt alliance consisting of my Dad, his then girlfriend, my Grandpa and my Grandma. All very toxic people. I had no one ‘on my side’ or who shared my views. I felt so alone. That night was a family dinner with all of them. I decided to just stay in my room and play Doom: Eternal. An extremely violent game that probably made my mood and existing anger towards my family much worse.
I also had a chronic cough at the time (which I still do). All I remember was coughing and trying to stifle the cough sound because I didn’t want to draw attention to myself and have my family talk about it (I constantly hear people talking about it and it drives me crazy — whether it’s real talking or a hallucination — I can’t really tell the difference).
So I took this new pill a doctor gave me to stop the cough, called montelukast. Weirdly, I did research on it before, and reports said it caused major suicidal thoughts.
Long story short, I took the pill, held in my cough a lot, which made me stressed, flushed, hot and anxious, and played Doom: Eternal. All during this. I had thoughts how i’m a bad person for avoiding family dinner. And other horrible thoughts such as that I might be stuff in this toxic house forever and dealing with these dinners for a while.
Meanwhile, i’m listening to what my family is saying out there. They’ll deny it to the grave but I heard horrible things. I can’t remember specifics but shit like talking about how i’m a bad person, and that I hold in my cough, and that I wasted/ruined my life by flushing all the bitcoin I used to have, and other horrible stuff.
I was so positive they were saying that and it made me furious. I ended up storming into the living room and shouting at everyone. Saying how my Grandma is evil, how my Grandpa and Dad have fucked up eating disorders, how my stepmom slept with her boss, etc. Then my Dad put me in a bear hug and led me to my room. My grandma had called me the devil and that she was completely thrown off and baffled by how evil I acted and that she never saw someone as evil as me. My grandpa actually defended me saying that “I’m sick”, which was and still is true. So kudos to him I guess for some love and understanding.
So yeah, I was led to my room by my Dad. Then my stepmom nagged my Dad to force me to leave the house. So I gathered a napsack with my phone and charger and my vape. Then I biked to my friend’s house. They called the cops on me and the cops found me on the road on the way to my friend’s house. He let me put my bike in his trunk and drove me to the friend’s house. Then my friend drove me to my Mom’s house. I stayed with my Mom for a week.
My Dad said that I had to stay at my Mom’s house for a bit then check myself into the psych ward for a full stay until they thought I was safe to leave. Only then would my Dad let me move back home.
It was.. chill (?) at my Mom’s house. I basically had an apartment to myself. My Mom would make me breakfast and let me sleep all day. She’d work from morning at like 8am to 6pm. I got to sleep all day everyday basically with no one on my back (like my Dad or Grandma) to wake up (even though I don’t have a lot of things to wake up for here at my Dad’s house to be honest — but i’m working on that).
I can’t remember for sure, but a lot of the problems I developed from living at my Dad’s house had kind of gotten better from being at my Mom’s. My insane desire to make money kind of went away. My fear of my Dad and Grandma was kind of gone. My fear of others had gotten better too. My Mom gave me pizza money one night too while she went to hang with friends. I got to watch movies and eat a whole pizza with no one commenting on it making me feel bad.
So then was the psych ward. I checked myself into the hospital and they made me lay in a gurney in an emergency room hallway for days. Then I finally was put into the psych ward.
I had a nice roommate named Da Price. He gave me chips and dinner he didn’t want all the time. I remember giving a note to a hot tall blonde girl and her basically ignoring it and I never knew how she felt about dating me (I asked her out in the note).
I remember being with this tall black dude who could freestyle and me being amazed ( I had dabbled wtih freestyling rap and making rap beats myself ). I remember reading and journalling in my room and watching TV at night with other people there. I also gained 25 pounds, which I still haven’t lost to this day. Seriously though. How? Maybe my metabolism is weird? I was big back then but had to eat so much in excess to gain that much so i’m still confused. The food was amazing though. I’m pretty sure they used ingredients that are like laxatives cause everyone there had stomach issues at some point lol.
They had hamburgers, french fries, chicken tenders, sandwiches, juice, pancakes, waffles, etc. But it got bad quick when I realized how much weight I gained (I could not enjoy the food as much as I really wanted). They literally gave unlimited food and you could eat as much as you want. I guess that’s a blessing they gave to us in exchange for basically being prisoners.
There were hot nurses there too. It took me two weeks to get approved to go play outside. Man was it fun. I had some nice friends but of course, I was paranoid due to the cough making me hear voices, so I could not keep friendly rapport with everyone forever.
The day I was let out was like a dream come true. I had been fantasizing what it’d be like when they would finally open the door to let me out for so long. My Mom picked me up and I got my belongings and she drove me home. It was midday I believe and I think my stepmom was home. I remember immediately coming home to my room and it was cleaned up for me (kudos to my family and stepmom for forgiving me and cleaning my room for me I guess).
So I got home, went to my room, and my nicotine vape was right on my desk. I was fantasizing about it too while in the psych ward. Back then I had no plan to quit ( I am three years sober now ). So I got to my room and hit the vape like second nature. I was back, lol. The nicotine buzz and the dependence started right back up lol. Things were actually relatively amazing after that, but not objectively.
What was good? Well, it was 2022. I started a job as a cashier at Dollar Tree. That job was my discipline and allowed me structure and respect from my Dad. 2 – 5 days a week i’d work a four hour shift as a cashier at Dollar Tree. After that, i’d come home and wait for my Dad to come home. Then he’d feed the dogs ( or I’d help him ), then we’d walk the dogs. Then we’d come home, and he or I would make me dinner. And we’d talk at dinner about our day (my stepmom did too). Then it’d be like 7pm and i’d sort of lie and say I was going to bed ( I just wanted to rot in my bed at the soonest time he’d believe i’m going to sleep. ).
I’d then lay on my bed sideways in front of my laptop on my night stand. I’d then compulsively vape nicotine and weed all night, even though the effects technically did nothing for me ( I guess just the act of smoking something was passable ).
All the while, my Dad and his girlfriend would be talking up there and i’d hear the most negative hurtful things imaginable about me. To this day I still believe they said those things because of the insane toxic behaviors they still do to this day (my stepmom blowing up at me and my brother over lies) and me literally 10 feet away watching my Dad call me an asshole and other bad things (he couldn’t see me watching him — then he denies these occurences when I mention them).
So yeah. A horrible cashier job. But atleast I socialized with my Dad daily and ate dinner ritually.
Again though, i’d ‘go to bed’ at 7pm and end up just watching the most mindless stuff ever. We’re talking shows i’ve seen over and over again like Impractical Jokers, Entourage, Workaholics, Blue Mountain State, etc. Or also just watching League of Legends live streams on twitch.tv.
I look back at how objectively bad it was because my soul and spirit were not evolving and growing. But then I remember the scent of this candle I had in my room, and the chill darkness with my laptop screen light lighting the room up. Oh yeah, and not having a cough back then, which allowed me actually talk to people (in person and online) without hearing people talking about my cough and making me want to leave ASAP. So yeah, I miss some parts of back then.
But I repeat, these days I do so many ‘better things’. Like:
- I actually use my desktop (not laptop) and do real productive things consistently, like coding, writing, designing, game dev, video editing
- I actually watch new stuff stuff and ‘grow’ in that kind of way by not watching the same things over and over mindlessly. Like I watch The Pitt, The new Ted TV Show, or The Knights of The Seven Kingdoms, and other shows and movies too, even with my family as well.
- I don’t have to work a soul sucking cashier job anymore, but I don’t work at all right now, and am looking for actual valuable jobs now and am not desperate enough for a minimum wage one, which is good
- I excercise much more (besides walking around as a cashier). These days, I box 3 – 4 times a week and go on walks sometime
- I shower much more. I used to shower 2 – 3 times a week. These days, I shower 4 – 5 times a week. It was so bad back then, I remember wearing the same clothes over and over again (even the same underwear). I had a horrible embarassing smell from my crotch that smelled like shit all the time. But I didn’t care enough to work on the problem and shower more. I do remember one time at work I was so bothered and embarassed by it that I went to the bathroom and got a piece of a paper towel and put hand soap on it and scrubbed by ass profusely to try to rid the smell. It didn’t work. I also remember getting a mosturizer and body cream and spread it over my ass, that didn’t work.
- These days, I have a better grip on it, even though it’s not perfectly gone. I just shower more and shower longer and scrub my ass more thoroughly.
- I actually read these days. I barely read consistently back then. These days, reading is one of my main ‘productive yet enjoyable’ hobbies that I look back on and am proud of doing.
- I don’t play League of Legends anymore. I am 2 years sober. I played compulsively even though I didn’t like it when I actually played. It was an addiction. I’d literally just fire up the game when I was too lazy and unwilling to find a better game or a better way to spend my time, and always regret it at the end (the game is toxic and i’m not good at it anymore — plus it’s not even fun anymore since I just lose all the time and they changed my main character)
- I don’t use weed, nicotine, caffeine, alcohol or LSD anymore. Also cutting back on porn and masturbation
- I don’t talk to toxic friends anymore
- I have a future plan for life
- I meditate more and pay a lot more attention to my weight and diet
Overall i’d say my biggest problem now is boredom and loneliness. I wish I could find a new thing to do to make money that isn’t a real job. It can be remote I guess but yeah. I cut out a lot of toxic friends, but I don’t have many positive friends to fill the void. That results in a lot of sad/depressing spells where I wish someone would talk to me and I just rot in bed sad with suicidal thoughts. Getting out of bed is extremely hard without an activity to look forward to to make money or some other enjoyable activity (besides masturbating).
Objectively, so many things are better, but I still wish for my ideal thing (to make my life better): a way to make money and a way for all the hobbies listed before (like writing and stuff) to make money. Yes i’m building a slow social media following with videos and writing and drawings. But that takes time. You need a mega huge following and viewer counts to make money.
I really don’t want to do dropshipping or sell merchandise or guides or flip stuff. Those sound so boring and saturated. I just wish a friend would reach out or I could find an actual reddit post with ways to make money that are original, easy and underused, but that’s a pipedream lol. So i’d rather do the slow , real route of being a slow social media following and making money eventually that way.
Until then, since it has been so hard to find ways to make money, I think i’ll work on how I think about life instead. Maybe i’ll find ways to realize that I don’t need money or fame or great success to be happy.
Maybe you guys could follow what i’m doing that i’m listing here as well.
Thanks for reading, and check out my YouTube linked in the home page!
Thanks,
-Viper.
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