Today was an okay day. I woke up 10am to my new jamaican home care nurse calling that she was at the front door. I immediately got upset. It’s not that I don’t like this woman, it just seems like she’s trolling me or something. I’m not gonna be crazy and say it’s because she fills up my med boxes 5x slower than my old nurse, it’s more so that I really think she’s trolling me.
I’ve repeatedly told her that my old nurse would fill up my meds for the entire week all in one visit. Meaning, my old nurse would fill up seven sleeves of meds for seven days. So, for example, she’d fill up all the sleeves on tuesday, and then next tuesday, she’d fill them all up again. Meanwhile, before she has to fill them all up again, she’d just give me sleeves until the next visit.
So the schedule would be: fill up all seven sleeves on Thursday and since she’s coming back Sunday , give me two sleeves to last until then (a sleeve for Thursday and Friday and Saturday). Then on Sunday, give me two sleeves to last until the next visit on Tuesday (so a sleeve for Sunday, and Monday). Then on Tuesday, give the remaining two sleeves to last until Thursday( so a sleeve for Tuesday and Wednesday). Then, again, so on Thursday, all my med sleeves would be empty, so the nurse would fill them up all on once.
Then the same cycle repeats again like I just mentioned: give me sleeves to last until the next visit, and the next visit, until we run out of all of them and we have to fill them up again. This is what a sleeve looks like:
Now I have this Jamaican lady who I’m so confused by. She’ll literally come in my house and start pouring meds everyday she visits! Which makes no sense!
Instead of filling all seven up on one day (On Thursday- which takes her 20 minutes) and giving me enough sleeves until she comes again (Sunday, so three sleeves), and then on Sunday giving me enough to last until Tuesday, and then giving me enough to last until Thursday (where we fill all up again), she wastes so much time and pours things manually to last until her next visit, instead of just using a reserve of sleeves poured at once for the whole week.
So instead of one day filling them all up (taking 20 minutes) and then the next visit takes five minutes to give me already poured sleeves, and then the next visit the same (five minutes), she fills shit up everytime, meaning every visit is 20 minutes, and I have to see her an hour a week now. This is compared to if she were smart, and just used a system where she poured all sleeves at once, so on the pour day it’d be 20 minutes, and then the next two visits that week would be like five minutes each. So in total, that system would be 30 minutes of nursing time a week instead of an hour a week.
Ive explained this to her so many times. Yet she will literally come into the house and ignore what I said and keep using her system that wastes so much time. It is only if I stop her and explain to her the better system that she will use it. But again, the next time I see her she’ll literally say nothing and just use the worse system.
Why do I care so much? First off, it is so boring. I have to sit there for an hour either doing nothing on my phone or watching her. On top of that, I get it, she is new to pouring my meds, so she is learning. But as I watch her, she goes so slow and constantly stops and has no idea what she’s doing. And again, i’ll tell her over and over to just keep using the better system I suggest, and then she’ll visit me the next time and either choose to ignore that I asked her to use the better system, or she takes advantage of me/ thinks i’m stupid. Or maybe she just plain forgets everything I asks her, or even, maybe she’s slow? Or maybe, she purposely does the longer sleeve pouring and distributing system because the more she’s at my house (doing her nursing medication administering — what i’ve been talking about in this port),the more she/ the company gets paid?
On top of that, that’s 30 minutes wasted time that I could be sleeping. It mainly just pisses me off because I highly doubt she completley forgets that i’ve suggested the new system.
ONTOP of that. I am the one paying this shit! This is my insurance which pays her, and I have no idea if this is court ordered or not, but I really don’t think so. Court ordered would be if I was like a criminal who went to a psych ward for breaking the law. And the only way they’d let me leave and go home is if they made someone (like a home care nurse) make sure I take my meds everyday. But I don’t think it’s that. And even if it was, who would be paying? I’m still paying from my insurance for the service, so I still should have some control, even if it’s court ordered.
Therefore, if i’m paying for these nurse visits, I should control how they go, in theory. Otherwise, I could just call the nursing company and say i’m unenrolling and that they’re losing my money. But, it’s a complicated situation. When I switched to only seeing a nurse once a week, my Dad dramatically noticed I became much more antisocial and worse behaved (maybe he thinks that me being forced to see a nurse three times a week forces me to leave my room and be more social and part of society, instead of what i’d do instead — sleeping and not leaving my room as much). I guess seeing a nurse three times a week gets me up and about with ‘plans’ and things to look forward to? So it’s healthy.
My Dad said that when I started seeing my nurse only once a week it dramatically caused me to be more antisocial and led to me going to the psych ward again. I’m serious. I talked about it with my Dad and he got so angry and blamed me going to the psych ward on me choosing to see my nurse only once a week.
Anyways, that’s enough of that. It’s probably just corporate greed with a mix of negligence by the nurse. Again, she seems nice and innocent, but I feel she thinks i’m an idiot and takes advantage (if I don’t comment on her system of pouring, she will go on autopilot and be quiet and just do the time wasting system). And just today she explained that she spoke to her manager and she 100% has to do the time wasting system, because her company wouldn’t like her having visits of only seeing me for five minutes, because it makes less money and wasted the nurse’s resources (like gas or something??).
I don’t know. Besides that, I had therapy today. We spoke about my OCD staring problem where I have trouble making myself stop looking at women. We also spoke about how on the surface, I made everyone “happy” my whole life. But at the end of the day, I was empty and felt I had nothing.
For example, I was a class clown all through middle school and some of high school. I made everyone laugh, especially in class and sports like lacrosse. But at the end of the day, I’d come home to a lonely quiet room/home, where barely anyone texted me or reached out asking to hang out. That made me so sad ( and still does ). The only friend I really had through all that, could be considered a bad influence, because he introduced me to weed, cigarettes, LSD, and gaming on the computer.
With the therapist I also talked about being bullied a lot and being overweight most of my life, and how that has had a major impact on my self esteem (and probalby my ability to get a girlfriend — which is another main complaint and sadness in my life).
So he said, given all that, it’s no wonder I have trust issues. We were talking about deep stuff the first 20 minutes, mainly about mistakes in the past that I couldn’t change, which made me very sad. But the last thirty minutes were weirdly.. fun? We talked about how hard it is to avoid looking at women if they literally are flaunting their boobs and butt. We also talked about how it’s actually a common OCD many people have, that if they accidentally look at the body of an underage woman, they automatically 100% believe people noticed and think they’re a pedophile and that they might go to jail.
Then I went to boxing and was run like a racehorse. This time the coach was a young dude like me, who is very talented. He made us do more cardio than usual and he pushed us harder than the usual coach. It was very suprising and crazy actually. My feet are so sore. I’ve went three days in a row and have had four sessions (80 minutes each) this week. I don’t even know why I go, logically. I just know that most weekdays, I either oversleep or I have a plan and go back to bed around 4pm or 5pm. Then I can’t fall asleep because i’m already wired or i’m just overthinking about things. So I forget all about how hard boxing is and I instead just think about it as something to do to get out of the house, because I can’t sleep and have nothing better to do. So I always go. It’s probably cause I don’t work so I have so much free time, which i’m grateful for.
Oh yeah and I use some ‘secrets’. First off, I am very overweight and have to stop and take a break a lot. If a coach is watching you and you take a break, do not make an excuse or say you’re tired. That could piss them off. Just take a break and be quiet. Or if you’re tired/ slowing down/ or taking a break and a coach asks/ says something negative about you slowing down, just don’t say anything either. It could feed into a bad loop where they just think you’re being lazy and they could really hurt your feelings.
That was what my coach did in lacrosse in high school. I couldn’t run anymore because my feet were burning, and a coach screamed at me to keep running, and I said that I couldn’t because my feet were burning and he said “I DON’T CARE! KEEP RUNNING”. It all would of been avoided if he commented/ asked about me stopping and I just kept quiet. Yes, you might feel anti-social or weird for not saying anything, but it’s worse than being ridiculed.
Besides that, at boxing, I had trouble again with not looking at a girl’s body too much. Then some weird universal karma or spiritual thing happened. I remembered halfway through the session, I thought to myself: “I’m gonna look at this girl as if i’m trying to ‘pick her up’ and her reaction will determine if she’s interested”. So I then look at her with masculine energy and she immediately shakes her head.
Then after, as i’m leaving the gym, I see an older dude seemingly say to the girl (and her supposed boyfriend — the teacher of the class that day) something that sounded like “he’s leaving don’t worry”. So i’m really confused. The worst thing i’ve done is look at this girl and her body a lot. I never said anything offensive or asked her out and blatantly oggled at her. So maybe my looking is actually really innapropriate and they’re just not expressing it. Cause this girl smiles at me a lot.
Pisses me off cause her and the dude I think she’s dating (at the class) have little cute actions where they wink or smile at each other. I want that. I want a system or situation where my obsessive looking at women is accepted and liked, let alone appropriate, so I can finally be okay with looking at women a lot.
Now i’m home, and trying to go to bed early. Family therapy tomorrow where we’ll probably get roasted over the same thing: not cleaning up enough, me not having a job, the fact that me and my brother need to accept that growing up and working and not liking it it a part of life, and probalby some other stupid complaints from my Dad and Stepmom, and of course their stupid PDA of kissing each other and being lovey dovey and cute like they’re highschoolers in love, except they’re 50 years old.
Again, I reiterate, it probalby sounds like i’m extremely harsh and sensitive and ungrateful of others. But I am grateful. Again, I could have been kicked out and homeless. My parents could act even worse thant hey do now too. I am also grateful I don’t have to work to pay a rent too.
Anyways, thanks for reading.
-Viper
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