Life is straight garbage. I am grateful. I have a Dad who works 5 days a week and 10 hours a day. He comes home and complains everyday saying his job sucks. Then I feel bad and think that that’s the way of life: everyone has to get a 9-5 and work 5 days a week from 18 until they retire at 65 or so.
Then i’m reminded of my past and am so absolutely sure I can never work a 9-5. I have extreme social anxiety and paranoia in public that everyone is talking about me or analyzing my every move because I have a chronic cough that I try to stifle and muffle. Ever since COVID I now think that everyone is scared if you cough in public.
I believe the cough is psychosamatic and it’s due to extreme anxiety and trauma. Basically, in short, it all started when I saved up 15.6 bitcoin in 2016 from fraud and scamming. Then from 2016-2019, I basically partied. I’d smoke weed everyday and eat fast food everyday as well. I basically had no responsibilites or care to take life seriously because I’d think: “I have $150,000, I don’t need to care about school or get a degree and work a 9-5 the rest of my life, I can just lounge and relax forever!”
Well again, that lasted for three years. And I had many great memories. Memories of being in my own world getting high out of my mind on marijuana and locking into movies and eating amazing fast food all night. Or even hanging out with old friends, hotboxing a car and eating wendy’s. Just having a main thing that me and all my friends did and were excited for. And boy we were always excited to smoke. We’d smoke in forests, at parks, in cars, in people’s rooms, as we’re walking around, etc. It was basically a dependency or like a friend we could keep in our pocket to look forward to and always raise our mood (with dab pens).
Long story short, there were negatives too. I never wanted to leave my room cause I could just smoke all day and eat ubereats. I remember after a long ass time of just hiding in my room smoking all day I finally decided to leave and hang out with my family and watch TV in the living room. My god, what the fuck happened? I was so nervous, self conscious, and anxious. I remember being aware of everything. For example, when I sat down and felt awkward and weird, I was constantly going OCD and evaluating if my family was looking at me or thinking i’m awkward.
Then there was wrestling. I must have missed like 20% of all practices cause I was just so tired and lazy all the time from being high everyday and didn’t feel like wrestling.
Then there was school. I had stints where i’d wake up, go to a secluded area in the school, rip a dab pen, then leave the school or just go to class high. I can still remember the foggy feeling, the euphoria of inhaling the weed, the metallic taste, and basically feeling that the dab cart was a friend that was in my pocket with a beautiful design (the dab cart design). What else did I need? Unlimited money, food, happiness and I never had to rely on anyone like my family for money or support. I had no obligation to leave my room or hang with my family and rely on them for socializing and to feel less lonely. I had weed and talking with friends online on discord for that.
As a matter of fact, there were a lot of crazy things I did. I don’t know why, but getting high and masturbating wasn’t enough for me as time went on. Maybe the weed made me overthink things? I say this because these days i’m fine with just masturbating to porn and just my imagination. I also have self control. I often go two to three days or more without masturbating. Mainly because I realize that porn isn’t the best for me. Also just because i’m more grounded and I realize I should probably focus more on finding a real girlfriend instead.
Why do I say this? Well again, like I said, I went too far when I was high. On quite a few days, I started feeling bad about myself thinking that masturbating to porn isn’t enough and that I really need to have real sex. At the time, I talked to no women and had no girlfriend. So I literally went on an old prostitute finder site called backpage.com. Mind you, I was 16. Then I had two experiences with prostitutes.
Both were awful. The first one was a very big black lady who I thought had a big butt by her picures she posted. Then I show up at her room in a hotel nearby after setting the meeting up. I walk in and she has a large soda from mcdonalds on her nightstand. She smells like mcdonalds but her skin feels soft and smells like mosturizer. I remember getting in the room, putting the money on the table ($150 I think) and her immediately taking off her robe and it all happened so fast. I could see her bare naked body. She was not curvy like you see pornstars or models or pretty women on social media. She was literally all fat and rolls and cellulite. Her butt was not produced by working out, it was literally just a byproduct of being extremely overweight. And her breasts were not nice either.
So then I take my my pants off and feel so exposed. Long story short, I can barely get it up and am not able to ejaculate. Then I meet with this 22 year old women later on and can’t ejaculate to her either. Then I meet with this asian woman and she sees me knock on the door through the viewhole and she yells for me to go away because i’m too young. All of these adventures are fueled by my pocket dab pen that I would hit whenever bored, stressed or anything.
So those are a few instances of how weed had bad consequences. Good times when i’m alone in bed with no other people or things involved but like I said, it always had consequences. Stuff like social anxiety, skipping wrestling, sleeping all the time in school, not caring about making friends, not working on any projects or hobbies really, etc.
Funny enough, I still remember when weed was becoming a habit. I remember it was like the second time my friend invited me over to smoke and I was walking over there. I vividly remember thinking: “Why am I going over to smoke? I don’t even like it? It doesn’t even do anything?” (I don’t think I was inhaling at this point in my life). Then I just thought: “oh well, it’s something to do.”.
So then everything came to a crashing holt. I went to college in 2018 and was sober the first two semesters. Very bored, and I was nicotine and weed free too. For nine months I remember doing fine in school, but literally avoiding people like the plague. All my free time was basically spent on my computer in my dorm or sleeping or meditating. The first semester I had roommates and then the second they just left. Both said it was because they preferred their own space for stuff like having girls over. The second semester I finally got what I wanted and was alone. At first it was fine then I got paranoid. I started hearing things. I thought all the people in other dorms were spreading rumors about me like: “that’s the dude who lives alone playing games all day”, etc. I actually got really lonely.
I remember there was one okay memory where I bought like a quart of beef and broccoli and pork fried rice and ate the whole thing while talking to friends on discord at like 1am. Then there was a memory where I sat in another desk and it was like 2am and a group of three people knocked on my door asking to hang out. Supposedly they knew I was this lonely kid that made no sounds and didn’t hang out with people? They were all stoned out of their minds high off a dab cart and asked for me to hang out and I declined.
So after that semester was my third in 2019, which was mid 2019 I believe. I remember, per usual, I felt bored and bleak all the time without weed or nicotine or caffeine (I quit that too). And this semester I had a new dorm, where each of my three roommates had their own room in this one big territory of sorts.
The first day I got back to my dorm after a class and I remember sitting on my computer with nothing particular exciting to do and I was basically just tired and unexcited. Then my roommate shows up at my door and asks “You smoking?”. And ever since then the bad habits started. I took a gigantic hit off his dab pen and went crazy. I’d hang with him, listen to rap music, eat food, and sleep.
Then I started smoking everyday. I’d skip like all of my classes just to sleep and eat. Again, I had over $150,000 so in theory I didn’t even need to be in college for a degree. Things spiralled. I smoked real weed in the bathroom and I made the hallways reek of weed. I got in trouble twice for it because my hall director reported me to the police. When that happened, I had panic attacks and basically turned paranoid forever. Since then on, I really believed people were on to me. I believe everyone knew I was the kid who smoked all day. I heard people in the hallway and outside. Saying things like: “He’s quiet now. What is he doing?”. Crazy shit like that.
I mean I did have some good memories of smoking with my roommate and getting food at the café and bugging out with weed thoughts (over analyzing and deep philosophical thoughts). But things came to a crash. I got punched in a concert. I went into psychosis. After that semester I came back and my roommates moved out and disappeared with no warning. That made me question who I was and made me believe I was an awful person because they just left me.
So I think I kept smoking and stayed up for a few days. I was all alone and overanalyzing everything. I had this grand thought that all of these bad events were because of weed and because of the unlimited money I had from doing fraud. Mind you, I was having major suicidal thoughts at the time. I had this grand epiphany that if I got rid of the money, i’d no longer have unlimited money for weed, and so I could try in life again, because i’d be forced to get a degree to get a real job and make real money to support myself, without the unlimited money I had currently. Now mind you, I’m not joking about this time. I was literally hysterical, suicidal, crying, lonely, and losing my mind feeling low.
So I got rid of the money permanently, called my brother in tears saying what I did, and then I got an uber and moved back home. Then COVID started. Fast forward six years and I regret everything. Yes the money before was through illegal means and I might have risked going to jail if I still had it. But boy: real life is just so sad. Since then, starting with $200 in savings, coming from having $150,000 in bitcoin back then (worth a milion now), life has been so sad. I’ve worked over 7 jobs. I worked as a cashier, janitor, deli slicer, smoothie maker, dish washer, stock associate, clothes folder, assembly line worker. You name it. And every one of them was miserable. How could I enjoy making $15 an hour coming from having $150,000 in savings? And each job only lasted a few months. I’d either get fired or quit due to hating the job or from paranoia and social anxiety.
These days I have a decent amount in savings but nowhere near a million. So my point is that now I am so sad. Unless I get rich somehow or get housing ASAP I am going to have to get a job soon. I have a degree and have applied to around 1,000 jobs since getting it. Only one pays well and gave me an interview. But still, that job would require me working a 9 – 5 5 days a week the rest of my life until I can save enough to retire or something? So the next 50 years requires slaving away? And I don’t even think i’m capable of working a real job with my mental illnesses. So i’m so sad and regret losing the bitcoin I had. I regret everything.
That’s my rant. To anyone seeing this: save your money man! Even if it’s through bad means. Just think rationally and ask yourself: “Do I want to work a 9- 5 the rest of my life and be tortured or would I rather retire early and just live in paradise or fulfill your life with hobbies you enjoy”?
Man I just hope I can find another side hustle and make money without working a real job. Until then I live on disability, food stamps, and am waiting for housing for people with low income and are disabled (i’m blessed to be qualified for that). But still, since my breakdown losing the money in 2019, i have since developed a chronic headache, cough, and have family conflicts and exteme stress all day everyday, but I must live with it and keep my mouth shut because I have nowhere to go and I am extremely grateful my Dad lets me live here basically rent free, despite him complaining daily that he hates his job and wants to quit. I feel so bad for him and again think that his life will become mine: being tortured the next 50 years. I hope not, but yeah. That’s my rant. I’m grateful for my parents. Do not waste/ lose your money if you have a good thing going people. Retiring in your 20s is far better than having to work for a boss your whole life and hate your life. I mean, maybe there are jobs that are enjoyable out there.. but I don’t know. Right now i’m just praying I get housing soon and don’t have to work and be basically tortured (I might be exaggerating and again there might be okay jobs out there but I don’t know, and I don’t know if I could even find them or be hired for them)
Look, i’m not saying my life is all bad, and that losing the bad didn’t technically have it’s benefits. For example, from losing that money, I think I have a much closer relationship with family, better social skills, more experience with hardship (horrible jobs), pain tolerance, experience building my finances from 0, starting new hobbies like boxing, getting my degree, discipline and knowing how to avoid conflict (keeping my mouth shut and being smart with it) and being more level headed (not having mania and stunts with police and less fights with family). Oh and quitting drugs like weed and nicotine for the longest i’ve done in a while (three years so far now). If I had the money, I probably would have relapsed and went back to being a lazy underachieving stoner like before. I might be more happy as a stoner with the money, but oh well. Oh yeah and I also quit my 10 year long League of Legends addiction two years ago. Probably would have never happened with the money. On top of that, I can feel guilt free knowing that I don’t have that illegally attained money and cops won’t be able to arrest me for it, and that I now will be proud to make an honest living (that’s if I finally get the glory of saving up enough from it).
Anyways,
yeah.
Thanks for reading and be grateful for your life and don’t ruin it if it’s good right now.
-Viper.
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