Here I am starting another break from porn and masturbation. I’m not worried about it at all when i’m doing big and engaging activities. Stuff like excercising or going to a symphony with my family or eating dinner or watching TV. As a matter of fact, those experiences have been better. Mainly because I used to do those activities and have it on my mind that i’m going to jerk off to porn later.
My main fear is when I can’t sleep and I want something easy and pleasurable and with a ‘high’ like jerking off. I don’t think I will even jerk off with my eyes closed to my imagination. At least for right now. Last time I did that I slowly transitioned to porn.
Why am I taking a break? Well, I realized it was my crutch for doing hard things. Waking up working on some coding projects or a video edit? I’d think to myself, that stuff is too hard and pointless, so i’ll just do it while looking forward to jerking off. Or i’d jerk off before to get the blood flowing. It literally was the only reason i’d wake up early to go on my computer. I seriously can’t think of going on my PC these days if I can’t jerk off immediately.
Other side effects: I’d wait till family members weren’t home to jerk off because I always would feel they’d know when I was jerking off. Second, I don’t know if it had any major effects but throughout every single day, i’d be looking forward to that big reward of ejaculating. It’d literally be my entire lifeforce and purpose. My porn tastes are also highly specific. I’d jerk off only to women with insanely big breasts and butts and they all needed to be very proportional. Or videos with high energy and big action. I think that was fucking up my taste with women in real life because the women i’d jerk off to in porn are extremely rare in the real world. So my ‘ideal’ girl when in real life, would only come around like 10% of the time I would see girls.
Plus, i’m extremely overweight, and that has not changed my taste in women in real life. I still, despite being very big, would only find very skinny or curvy women attractive, despite me most likely not being able to pull them. So maybe quitting porn and masturbation will lower my standards so I can actually pull women that are at my level of attractiveness. Maybe I will like personalities of women more now too.
I am not trying to get ahead of myself though. The last break I did was like three or four days. I did a 3 week break in the end of 2023 which resulted in staying up all night and then later going to the psych ward. Not sure if it caused it, but not jacking off and getting that relaxation at the end might have caused insomnia a bit.
But I see all these influencers and celebrities saying to quit porn and masturbation. Reddit too. But a lot of these people have/ have had girlfriends and can replace porn and masturbation with real sex whenever. So I think they have it different. I have never had a real girlfriend or had ‘real sex’ and ejaculated. I technically have had ‘sex’ three times but wasn’t able to ejaculate so it didn’t count. So yeah, these other people have it easier than me and can cum to real girls anytime they want so abstaining from porn and masturbation isn’t as big a deal for them I feel.
My main worries though are stagnant moments and finding a reason to wake up. I’m serious. I don’t drink coffee or smoke anything. I am extremely tired in the morning and don’t want to leave my room or even talk to people if I don’t know that ‘things will get better’ (looking forward to something). My main relapses were when I was in bed not wanting to wake up and I was tossing and turning for hours and couldn’t stop getting hard from daydreaming thinking about women. And I just caved. I thought “who cares?”. “I sure don’t”. “My life sucks and jacking off is my only pleasure”. “It’s not like this is dramatically fucking with my life.. and I can’t even pull real women”.
Seriously though. I went on NoFAP for six months in college in 2019. Peak physical and mental condition. Had all the money I could want. I was 160 pounds and peak physical condition. I ran 4 miles 3 – 4 times a week. I asked out 50+ women and got rejected by all of them. I admit, these were random women while walking around on campus, so if I did it the ‘right’ way by going to a meetup or club, things would be different, so but I don’t know.
So again, i’m mainly scared of it being late at night and it being lonely and I can’t sleep and I can’t deal with my excess energy and not being able to use it late at night in bed, so i’ll cave. I’m also scared of this honeymoon phase wearing off and I don’t see benefits anymore. (i’m on the second day). I’m also scared of major doubt and thinking how dumb it is that I think abstaining has a major positive effect that is worth it. I’m also scared that again, i’ll realize I have no other pleasure of reward in life, and cave because of how desperate and empty I am. Again, I don’t play video games, I don’t drink coffee, I don’t smoke weed, I dont use nicotine, I barely drink alcohol, most movies/tv shows made these days I don’t like, and i’m overweight so I can’t use food as a vice anymore.
So yeah, wish me luck guys! And good luck if you’re abstaining as well!
-Viper
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