I am three years sober from weed and still think about it everyday. Nicotine too, but this will mainly be about weed. I think about it on the days where I don’t want to wake up. Mainly because I know that there isn’t one ‘grand pleasure’ to wake up, and that the day usually turns to work. There are many people in my life who work a 9 – 5 job, so I feel that I will also have to follow that route, and that my life will be miserable, unless I make grand success getting money doing other entrepreneurial pursuits.
Then that leads me down the route of feeling that I have to somehow increase my social battery to withstand being around people for 9 hours a day, five hours a week. Currently, my social battery runs out after an hour and a half.
Anyway, I just want to reminisce on the good memories with weed. I remember having a dab pen on me at all times. Whenever I was bored, stress, lonely, i’d hit the pen and get spacey and tired.
Then there was vaping weed everyday for three years straight, from sophomore year in high school to the end of senior year. I had a ritual. Go to school, come home at 2pm. Pack my dry herb weed vaporizer, love the ritual of cleaning it, getting out all my cleaning gear, grinding up the weed, etc.
Once the vape was packed and ready, i’d put a show on my computer, then lay on my bed and lean on my window sill, open the window, place the vape on the window sill, and turn it off. Then the vape would be ready. I remember the anticipation and excitement. After every hit, the buzz, the relaxation, the tunnel vision, the forgetting life and problems but also if I wanted to, I could really think heavy about stuff.
I’d stink up my whole room and the whole house. There’d be days it’d just be me and my grandma at home. Or me and my sister. I frequently would sneak in fast food to my room and just get high and hide. Of course there were consequences. I remember when I first got heavily into smoking all the time, my sister found out, interrogated me, and started crying. I had actually lost 40 pounds since smoking weed, mainly because instead of binge eating, i’d instead just smoke.
So she was crying, saying it just makes me tired and lazy. Then my brother defended me, saying it wasn’t that bad. I also remember a time it was a usual day, smoke and hide in my room, not need to leave or have an urge to hang with my family or need to socialize. All I needed was weed, food, and sleep.
I remember sneaking in a Papa John’s pizza and my sister was all alone in the living room. I felt bad for just leaving her alone. She seemed like she wouldn’t of minded me hanging out with her, keeping her company. She asked me for a slice, I gave it to her, then I went to my room, ate the pizza all alone while watching a movie, and felt guilty the entire time.
Then there were the two times I saw some escorts. Mind you, I was 16 at the time. I vividly remember getting in the hotel, going to the escort’s floor, whipping out my red dab pen, taking a hit, and thinking it would help me. But I vividly remember that all it did was make me spacey and tired. And to have proper sex you need to be focused so you can maintain an erection and ‘perform’ well enough to ejaculate, right? Right. I remember barely getting it up both times, and not being able to ejaculate.
I guess what i’m getting at is that I miss weed so much because it allowed me to forget about everything most of the time. You could say that I could be ‘productive’ on weed if I maintained a normal life while high, like still socializing and talking, and I did that a few times. But eventually, I just wanted the bare minimum: get high, hide, eat, etc.
There was actually a big period where I turned into a major recluse. I used to just buy league of legends accounts and play ranked alone with no friends, and had the chat completely off. I remember at one point I installed a mod to turn off friends entirely.
I also remember one reclusive summer where I played a game called PUBG all alone while completely baked and it was so scary. I remember landing in the map in the game and being so focused and tense. I remember being so quiet and going into a building and silently walking the stairs. Then some dude with a shotgun was waiting there, having made no noise for like five minutes, and shot me in the head. I almost had a hard attack. That game turned into a horror game after that.
I remember also going into high school, decided to hide on a stairwell and rip the dab pen, then just walk out the school.
Then there was in college. I relapsed after 9 months sober. A roommate offered me a giant hit of the weed pen. Things were okay before that. I passed my first two semesters. I vividly remember the day with my roommate. I got back from class, and it was just another okay day. Nothing too exciting. I was sitting at my desk, bored, not excited about anything, and actually kind of dozing off.
My roommate came in my room and asked “You smoking?”. Then I was like, I knew it wouldn’t be good for me, but I also hated living the bored, slow paced, sober life. So I gave in, and I took a 10 second hit. I don’t remember that high but I remember other ones with him. There was a time I hung out in his dorm with his other four black friends and I was the only white dude. I was absolutely baked. I felt like I was in a movie. I felt so much pressure as if I was god and I had the spotlight effect. I actually started getting hot and stressing out.
I then remember it kept getting more and more trippy. I went with the roommate to a cafe on campus after getting extremely baked. I felt cool for being high. I also was so high that I was just plain losing it. Like we’re talking, I remember watching the chef make my chicken tenders and french fries and I was literally thinking philosophically and metaphysically about everything. Just overthinking everything to death, walking around buzzed and dizzy, etc.
I remember I had a woman classmate in my filmography class who knew I smoked all the time. I actually showed up to class high and with my eyes red most of the time. I was failing that class but didn’t care. Then one day she gave me a huge bag of homegrown w**d for a crazy good price. I actually remember me being in her car and we passed by the black roommate who got me into weed again. The dude literally looked like he was tripping or something, and both me and my classmate were commenting on it. He looked high as hell, looking around like he didn’t know what planet he was on, or what it’s like to be a human being.
I went back to my room, smoked this weed, and had the most intense, purest weed high i’ve ever had. I felt immense paranoia and anxiety, but at the same time, a lot of energy and motivation and thinking power. I played a game called Outer Worlds.
I ended up forgetting about room inspections and one day they did one while I was in class. All my weed, vapes, nicotine e-juice, bongs, pipes, everything were laid out and not hidden. I got a ticket by the police and had a panick attack. Thinking my reputation was tarnished, that I might go to jail, that I might have a permanent criminal record. You would think that would make me stop but it didn’t. I liked getting high and distracting myself from real life too much.
I instead kept getting high, but I would smoke outside instead here and there. Then two more run ins with the police, then another panick attack. Then I lost everything.
There was actually a point that I overdid everything so much that I remember taking hits from three vapes at once just to feel anything. I had a 1200watt ooze pen with high nicotine juice, I had a juul nicotine, and a smok novo nicotine vape.
I had gottten my roommate into vaping too. My ritual was, like every hour, to go into his dorm and hit his juul, because he had the tobacco flavored pods. Me personally, I had the menthol pods. I’d go to his room, take his juul, take my ooze pen and smok novo, and inhale all three of them at once for a buzz, but even that went away.
I look back at it as sad, but I genuinely remember in those moments, every hour, it just felt fun to hit his juul. I also remember putting actual T*C e-juice into my vape. Like you know the e-juice vape bottles where you put the juice into a refillable pod-system nicotine vape? I found a place where I could buy e-juice vape bottles, except instead of nicotine, they had real w**d in it. It was so lucrative, but I remember it didn’t really work too well.
That’s basically it, a lot of memories of vaping and smoking. It still has a place in my heart three years later. It’s funny cause most of my family members favorite vice is mostly alcohol. But for me, I don’t like the taste of alcohol. Also, it’s just something about the calming effect of inhaling and breathing something in, that does it for me. You could offer me a bunch of fireball whiskey and my appeal to it is like a 2/10. Especially because i’m a big dude, so even a few drinks won’t really give me much of an effect.
But then with marijuana, you take one puff of a joint and you are blasted out of reality and 100% feel it. Kind of weird. Tolerance is a thing though. But like, it takes $40 of alcohol for me to get tipsy (with no tolerance and I weigh 245 pounds). But it takes one puff of a $10 joint to get you stoned. Kind of strange.
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