Today I read a bit of a book, went to family therapy, ate raising canes, worked on my game website (a coding project), video edited, and am now writing. I plan on going to bed as soon as possible.
These days I don’t have any ‘directly fun’ things I like to do. I say that because I would of squeezed video games into my schedule today. But I didn’t (and have not) because every second if i’m not doing something even remotely productive to help me keep making steps towards making money, it’s hard to live with myself that day.
Not even that, it’s even in the present too. Even if I convince myself to play video games, the first minute of it I question: “Why am I playing this?”, “Why would I put brain power and effort into progressing in this game if it’s not giving me anything actually useful in life?”.
Last time I played Resident Evil 4 Remastered on my PC, I got nauseous. I don’t know why. It could be the blood and gore, or it could be because the entire time I was thinking what would my Dad think of me for playing this instead of doing something productive, like looking at the news, or reading, or looking for a job, or making my own business or app or something.
On top of that, my computer is 11 years old. To this day, my Dad still thinks I spend a lot of my time playing video games. Truth is, I really dislike video games right now. Mainly because I feel i’ve played and experienced the best video game of all time, and nothing can compare, so any other video game just doesn’t do it for me.
I’m talking League of Legends. I have a crazy history from that game. You know how you see all these gamers who had/have that ‘one’ game where they get ‘addicted to it’ and ‘run their course’? For some it’s World of Warcraft, others it’s Path of Exile, others it’s Rocket League, others it’s Diablo 3 & 4, others it’s Apex Legends, others it’s Counter Strike. Mine was League of Legends. By far, the game that I sunk the most hours and care into of all time. I estimate I spent around 2500 hours playing it in my lifetime.
Not to go too much into it, but I got into it at a young age, didn’t really like it at first, but came back to it because I could play it in my room by myself. Then I kept playing, then eventually I played it for like 5 years straight and reached rank 98 out of a million on the NA server and was the best Mordekaiser in the world. Then after reaching that rank I lost steam, and the developers changed a lot of the game, and I just got worse and worse and cared less and less.
Last time I played was about two years ago. It’s horrible now, maybe because i’m more grown up? But essentially, I do not have the willingness to endure it’s toxic community anymore. I always win my part in the game, and most of the time my teammates lose their part, and it just pisses me off cause I don’t want to insult these players and be mean, but I also don’t know how to win like I used to, even if my teammates are bad. So I just gave up. But to this day, I still watch League of Legends gameplay all the time, that’s how much I like/liked the game still and how apart of me it is.
Anyways, so I don’t play League of Legends or any game anymore for that matter, and I miss just setting aside time for just pure fun. Also again, my Dad still thinks I spend my time gaming which pisses me off.
But I mainly just dislike looking at my daily life and realizing I do nothing that is ‘purely fun’. All of my day seems like work and hardship, never relaxing really. Again, if you read my other posts, I was succesful and rich even when I didn’t care about life that much. I used to get really high on weed after school and at night, play League of Legends atleast an hour a day, make money on my side gig, go to lacrosse, go to school and get good grades, eat dinner and barely hang with my family, and I was happy. No major mental problems or regrets or sadness. I was good.
These days, I feel I have to be firm with everything I do, and even the littlest routines I notice throw me off. Like drinking too much coffee makes me wired, anxious and on edge, even though I used to drink G Fuel all the time when I was younger. I have no idea if when I was younger if I drank G Fuel for the energy (or even noticed an energy boost) or the taste, or if I could go without it for long without missing the supposed energy boost from the caffeine.
I smoked weed everyday from 15 to 19. We’re talking a session after school where i’d take 10 – 20 hits, and then a session before bed of 10 – 20 hits (might I remind you cozy it is to be be laying under an open window with the breeze while being warm from a blanket and the soothing hot air of the weed making you more and more relaxed and chill from every hit).
These days if I smoke weed, my throat and lungs get irritated and my cough gets worse than it already is. I also get so paranoid that I think i’m dying and that everything in the world is revolving and reacting to me and that i’m god. Nicotine and weed and paraphernalia also used to cost me $3,000 a month. I get why people would spend that much on it. First off, some might be rich so it doesn’t matter. But the way I look at it is: the main points in time I really crave weed or nicotine these days is between mornings and nights. In the morning, I can sleep a lot and the first hour waking up is okay, as long as I have something to do that is engaging and not just staring at a screen watching tv falling asleep and being bored.
Most days, that isn’t the case, and I have to force myself to stay awake (even without caffeine). But as long as I make it to bedtime, I don’t care about weed and nicotine then. All i’m doing is chilling out realizing the day is over and I did productive things that day and can just chill, listen to music, and doze off. So what i’m saying is, i’d much rather sleep too much and piss off my parents then force myself to smoke weed and nicotine and drink coffee just to get through the day being wired and bouncing off the walls and doing too much and regretting it later and wasting so much money.
Also these days, if I masturbate to porn too much I get very self conscious thinking i’m turning into a sexual predator who looks at people sexually too much and that i’m frying my brain with it. I also just eventually look at naked women and feel grossed out by seeing them so exposed. Meanwhile, I used to jack off four times a day when I was 15 – 19 and didn’t care (even though maybe that was also holding me back from women actually wanting to date me at the time– even now).
Also if I vape nicotine like I used to ( 150 – 300 puffs a day ), I’d constantly run to the bathroom to sneak hits all day and run away from family time. I’d also have bowel movements, constipation, nausea and my stomach would be upset a lot. Again, the money too. Also at work basically needing to run to the bathroom to vape every 20 minutes and hide in there. Combine that with being around my family, sneaking a vape hit and feeling so ashamed for doing that, even at restauraunts too. Just generally feeling 100x more anxious being without my vape. The accomplishment of not being dependent on it is so good too.
But back in the day? Never no serious problems. I had unlimited money so buying nicotine stuff wasn’t a problem in that regard. I never had a chronic cough or headache or felt too bad for being addicted. But I do remember in college it got so bad where i’d never get a buzz at all, that I used to vape three vapes at once to get a buzz. But still, no headaches or breathing problems really, so it was okay.
Then there was league of legends. Like I said, I used to play an hour or two a day while also juggling homework and sports and family time. These days I have no job or real obligations, but that’s not the point. The point is mainly that it was the only thing i’d wake up to do, even though it made me feel like shit. Seriously, i’d wake up, and the only thing that I wanted to do was play League of Legends and veg out. I still have that problem today. I wake up with nothing that I really want to do. Once I wake up and leave my room, I guess i’m fine. By then, my Dad is mainly structured around: “How can I do the most productive and fun things today so I can make it to bedtime?”. Which turns into going on walks, boxing, watching tv with my family, reading, computer time, eating, socializing with my brother, etc.”. But again, I have nothing crazy to get out of bed for. Other people have their morning coffee, or their morning vape hits of nicotine or weed, or going to work, or working out, or playing a video game, etc. I have none of that. Everything I can do .. is just.. okay. I guess that’s a good thing? It means i’m free from addiction.. cause the best things to wake up out of bed for are usually addictive (coffee, weed, nicotine, video games, porn, etc).
These days with League of Legends, it full on turns into something I only use my computer for. And even when i’m playing, i’m doing productive stuff like drawing or making games as I wait for the game to be over lol! And again, like I said, I would rarely win games even though I tried my best, i’d hate the players because they were so toxic so I turned off the chat (which is an integral part of the game for communicating with your team to win the game), I could not carry my teammates no matter how hard I tried, and at the end of the games for the day, i’d just feel like shit and that I wasted two hours. My Dad also used to attribute my behavioral problems from playing ‘that game’ (League of Legends) too much.
So yeah, that’s my spiel. As a 25 year old, my body and mind are so much more sensitive to what I do compared to back in the day. It’s like even the most little or minute things I do in life can have a bad impact on my life or even day, because I guess my brain and body are more sensitive to that stuff compared to when I was a young teenager. It’s true what people say about this stuff, and I relate to them. I used to get away with playing games and smoking weed all day and eating fast food all day, but growing up, the body just can’t tolerate much BS anymore. I feel that being an adult means a transition to having a life with much more productivity and activities that have a direct positive impact on life and are beneficial and a much lesser tolerance for ‘bad’ stuff like video games and drugs and fucking around.
Anyways, thanks for reading, save your money, and cherish your adolescence (if you are an adolescent)!
-Viper
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